Watch Out For Your Cornhole
You Might Feel a Pinch
When Sheri and I lived in Tennessee, we were very poor and I had very, very cheap Medical Insurance. I had been shitting blood and black stool for weeks and having bad abdominal pain. The doctor at the local clinic where I went gave me medication but it did not help any at all. A “procedure” was going to be required, however, the first test was to be a Prostrate Exam. I was nervous. The room was grey, dimly lit. There was a wrinkled, well used tube of generic lubricant on a stainless steel tray alongside a pair of latex gloves. I will never forget the cold chill of that sterile environment. The doctor came in swiftly and quickly donned the gloves. He instructed me to remove my pants and underwear, to turn around, bend over, and to grasp the table, that I would feel some pressure, but assured me that if I relaxed the process would be much easier and go more smoothly. I will never forget the sight of the nonchalant way he squeezed a giant glob of lubricant onto his finger as I turned around, and that lubricant smell is forever burned into my brain. A pinch! A PINCH! SLIGHT PRESSURE! HOLY SHIT I’ve just been raped! A pinch, my ass! Literally! LOL!!!
…and then it was over. He quickly removed the gloves and disposed of them, told me everything seemed fine, and in a cold, professional way, pointed me towards a stack of paper towels and told me to clean up and come get him when I was done. I was shaking, felt ashamed and dirty, violated, standing there in that cold, dimly lit room with a butt crack filled with medical-grade lubricant after having been anally violated. How foolishly little did I know what was to come!
After having wiped away my shame as best as I could, I went to his office where I had a very hard time looking the man who just had his entire arm, up to the elbow I believe, maybe even all the way up to his armpit, way up in my ass, and I had to sit there and look him in the eye and carry on a conversation. Anyway, he dropped the bomb and had determined that the only recourse was to give me a colonoscopy. We had a problem though. My insurance was not enough to cover a colonoscopy and Sheri and I did not have enough money to pay for one. This doctor was very concerned about the length of time I had been bleeding internally in my intestines so he offered to perform the procedure on me for $700. There was a catch though. I would not have any anesthesia at all for the procedure and would have to endure the pain of a colonoscopy completely conscious. The price for the twilight anesthesia was $600 and Sheri and I just didn’t have the money.
When the time came for the colonoscopy, I was terrified. I mean, in this day and age, they have to actually run a 12 foot, ONE INCH THICK hose up through your asshole and into your intestines! Why not just the tiny, itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie fiber optic cable alone? Why? WHY? Well, 3 “nurses” held me down while the doctor ran this, what seemed to be a never-ending gigantic black hose up my butt! I’m not saying that I like it in the butt or anything, but once the hose is up your butt, it’s really not that bad to be honest. The part that really HURTS during a colonoscopy is when they blow air into your intestinal cavity so that they can get a better view with the little camera on the end of the hose. OH…MY…GOD… You want to talk about the meaning of pain! Waterboarding ain’t got nothing on pumping air into your guts! OH! There was another part that hurt too, and that’s when they were really mashing hard on my intestines while they were trying to work the hose around.
I struggled, but they kept telling me to relax. But it HURT Damn it! But I also knew that if I didn’t find my inner core and endure it, that all I was doing was making it take longer, making it more difficult for the doctors to maneuver the elephant sized hose they’d jammed up into my intestines, and elongating, prolonging my torture. In that moment of dazed agony, your mind does not always think clearly or logically, and I can recall several instances where this one big “nurse” had to really struggle hard to hold me down, to “remind me” to calm down, that it would all be over soon.
After what seemed an hour of torture, which was probably a 10 minute procedure in all reality, everything was completed and this time someone else wiped my ass for me! I think that is the only time that I can recall, as an adult, having another human being wipe my ass for me. I remember at first being embarrassed when the procedure started, laying there all naked with my cock and balls and ass all exposed in front of a room full of strangers, but by the time the ass-wiping came, I was just grateful that I could lay there and relax while someone else wiped my ass for me. The doctor had wonderful news. He did not find any polyps or anything else out of the ordinary wrong up inside my guts. He warned me that there would be a great deal of farting to come, as is to be expected after a colonoscopy due to all the air that is left behind when they pull that fifty foot long pipe out of your cornhole. And fart I did! I did some of the best farting that I have ever done in my entire life. I am talking about 60 seconds of continuous farting here people!!! I was the world record champion of farting…for about 2 hours, then all my “steam” was gone 😦
About two years later, I went through the exact same spell of shitting blood for weeks on end and having black stool and having a lot of constipation intermixed, all with constant abdominal pain. So I sucked it up and went to my new doctor. Long story short, guess where I ended up? Yep, standing in a room with my pants around my ankles and with some old guys finger up my ass!!! And again a colonoscopy was called for as the only recourse to solve this mystery. Now in those two years: computers have like quintupled in processing power, we have had all sorts of medical advancements, we’ve broken the human genome project, and we now have some medications for AIDS even, but you’re telling me that with all those advancements, you are still going to run that same fucking 12 foot long, 1 inch thick pipe up my ass!?!?!???
Yes, yes we are still going to run, what looked to me like an even LARGER pipe up your ass Mr. Webb. The morning came and I showed up promptly for my anal raping. I had a better job now and I had better insurance, lived in a better location and was seeing a better doctor, but I was still scared just as shitless nonetheless! The room was dark and I was placed on a bed and given a blanket and hooked up to an IV. I was curious as to what was going on and the nurse said that she was giving me a “twilight drug.” What’s a “twilight drug?”
After a few minutes hooked up to the “twilight drug,” I fell into state of almost complete loss of consciousness, a sort of dream-state, with just a small grasp on the threads of reality. I remember being vaguely awake, talking about, “what is a twilight drug” one minute, and the next thing I remember was “waking up” and asking if they were ready to start the procedure yet. Fortunately, the gods of the twilight drug smiled on me and the nurse told me that the procedure was already over and that once I was fully awake, I could leave…but that I should be aware that a great deal of farting was to be expected. And fart I did, long earth-shattering farts that lasted an eternity and made me feel like the Farting Champion of the World!!!
Again, as before, the doctor said that he could not find any polyps or anything else that seemed out of the ordinary, or appeared wrong with my intestines. And again, just as before, shortly after the colonoscopy, all the bleeding stools and abdominal pain went away again. And again, just like after my FIRST colonoscopy, it seemed that the solution to my problem, that the medical solution that actually fixed the problem of the bleeding stool, was to simply perform a colonoscopy on me. Yes, that makes no sense, but now we are two for two. Tedd has agonizing painful abdominal cramps with lots of anal bleeding and black, bloody stool, then he gets a colonoscopy and the colonoscopy itself is what solves the problem. Now that makes sense to no one, but the facts remain the same.
Well, time passes and I have more bouts of these bleeding painful intestinal problems, but they go away after a short while. Most of them, that is, went away after a short while, but then, after another couple of years, the time came where I had weeks of black stool, bad abdominal cramps all the time, and literally shitting toilette bowls filled with bright red blood. I had to just suck it up, bite the bullet and go back to the damn doctor to see what is wrong with my intestines. You would think I would have gotten used to it by now, but I do not think that you can ever get accustomed to standing naked, bent over a table, with a strange man’s hand up your ass, well unless you’re a catholic altar boy maybe. LOL!!! Anyway, it was another trip back to twilight drug land for me, and another 12 foot long, one inch thick black pipe jammed up my ass, wiggling around inside my intestines, trying to find if anything was wrong. And again, nothing could be found up inside my intestines, and again, I went through a colossal bout of farting.
Over the course of almost a decade, science has made leaps and bounds in computer advancements, the bio-tech industry has literally exploded in growth, new medical instruments have been developed to perform microsurgery, and medical science has advanced to the point where we can transplant entire HANDS, grow human organs in petri dishes, and create therapies using the human genome project and stem cell research. And in this same DECADE of miraculous scientific and medical advancements, no one has seemed to have been able to figure out a less-invasive procedure and more quantifiably accurate procedure than to have some old guy jam his fist up your ass? What about making some of those medical advancements in the colonoscopy arena people? So in a hundred years, are we still going to have old dudes fingering your asshole and then ram-rodding a 50 foot garden hose up your cornhole? Really? Well, I’m 39 years old and I’ve already had THREE colonoscopies, and I speak from the voice of experience. When a doctor wants to finger your ass, be warned that the next thing he’ll want will be to stick a big black rubber hose in your bunghole instead! Ye Have Been Warned…
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teddwebb 