God Answers
Prayers, but Not Always as YOU Expect!
Well, in case you’ve not read my “About” section, or if you don’t know me, or haven’t
figured it out by now, I also have mild schizophrenia. I’ve had it my entire life,
from about 4 -5 years old to present. No, I’m not some raving lunatic, running around
seeing ghoulish dead people. No I don’t think God is talking directly to me. No
I don’t hear God’s voice like some loud speaker or run around in the streets talking
to myself scratching my arms like some whack-o nut-job. (although I’m a bit of a
loon sometimes according to my wife…and all of my friends!) I have normal, mild
schizophrenia, not the paranoid delusional psychotic schizophrenia type (like what
you see on TV all the time) and have had it since I was born – my entire life (growing
up with that was a trip!). In fact, there are probably a few people that you work
with who have schizophrenia too, but they just don’t have the balls to say anything
because of the negative, ignorance-driven stigma associated with that word. GROW
UP PEOPLE!!! There are many levels of this disease, just like everyone who has AIDS
isn’t some emaciated-looking pasty dude in a hospital bed with no hair, covered
in sores, who looks like he’s about ready to die. You might have someone at your
office that has AIDS too (perhaps you have lunch with him regularly even), and who
will live out a normal, [relatively] healthy life (because of all the medical progress
we’ve made in that disease).
Anyway, yesterday, 03/08/2011, I had a “Bad One,” a bad hallucination. I don’t have
these very often. In fact, I’ve not had a “Bad One” in weeks. This one was a freakazoid!
You know those big black markers, the ones with the wide felt tips, or like the
black Eraser-Board markers with the wide tips?
Well if you drew a large diagonal line with one of those that was about 2 feet wide
and 5 feet tall and then suspended it in mid-air, and then played scary-ass metallic
cutting, scrapping noises as it moved around and slowly came towards you – that
is what I saw when I turned the corner to go into my bathroom to take a shower!
I stood there frozen with fear. I quickly hobbled away, but the noise didn’t stop.
So I braved it and went back to confront it. I have had schizophrenia my entire
life and I knew this was not real; it just startled me. So I had nothing to be afraid
of, but as I rounded the hallway corner and that scraping, metallic cutting noise
got louder and I saw that giant, sharp black stripe coming at me, my heart was gripped
in sheer terror, a horrific terror that grips you like right before an auto-accident
that you realize is going to happen and you know you can’t stop it – that balled
up steel bearing in your abdomen that tells you to prepare for death.
It was like my muscles were stuck and would not move fast enough. I was in agonizing
pain and I am so crippled up that I could not get out of there fast enough and I
was so scared, in so much terror. Every hair on my body didn’t just stand up; they
jumped off my body and ran away themselves! They were like, screw this shit Man,
I’m getting the hell outta here!!! I made it safely to the couch. The “Marker Stripe
Monster” was confined to the bathroom, so I was safe. I had to email Sheri. I never
email Sheri when I have a hallucination. I hate to bother her with them. They are
usually stupid small shit, like I will see the wall move, or I will see some small
object appear, like a ball, or some other stupid normal object so there’s no reason
to bother Sheri because they don’t bother me. (I also see bugs all the time, ALL
THE TIME.) I’m like, “oh, looky there, a gigantic orange ball sitting in the kitchen…no
worries, it will be gone in a few minutes…” and it is gone in a few minutes. This
one was different though. This one scared me, disturbed me and I had to let Sheri
know. Also, for some odd reason, I had to, was drawn to call upon God for help.
I’ve never felt the need to call upon God before, but here recently, I have started
involving God more and more into my daily life. I have begun making little changes
here and there that involve God, so I guess that’s why. I don’t know.
So I sat on the couch and I prayed for God to help me, to give me strength. I cried
out to God for help, to take it away, to heal me. God does not wave a magic wand
and make it go away. God does not take dead brain cells, “atrophy,” areas of brain
death, and then suddenly defy the laws of physics, biochemistry, God’s own laws
of ‘Mother Nature,’ and spontaneously regenerate neurons. No, if God did that, then
he would fix the screwed up “neurochemistry engine” in my brain that creates floods
of random proteins that cause electrical storms resulting in seizures and schizophrenia.
God did not take my schizophrenia away, but He did send His Holy Spirit to strengthen
me and remind me that God is always with me, no matter what else happens on this
earth; God is always there for me and with me.
When I got up from that couch, I still had a small pang of fear, but each time that
pang stabbed fear into my heart, I leaned on God and put myself in His hands and
trusted in Him and that pang went no deeper, and I felt comforted by the strength
of God, by having God on my side. And when I rounded that corner, that damn “Marker
Stripe Monster” was still there, but it no longer held any power over me. It was
just another hallucination, just another bug that wasn’t really there. I have schizophrenia
and I always know, ALWAYS know what is real and what is not real. The VAST Majority
of the time, I just shrug it off – if you freaked out every time you saw something,
then you would go nuts living your entire life with this disease. You have to be
grounded in reality and just accept it for what it is: a disease and just a hallucination,
nothing more.
God healed me. God answered my prayer. No, God did not actually take my disease
away, but God did take the power that the disease held over me away. God healed
the sickness in my heart that the disease had created. God cured the enslavement
over my soul that the disease had taken by its use of fear. God took my fear away.
God made me strong. God was my rock, my savoir, my comforter in my hour of need.
Did God heal me? Yep and not only did God heal me, but He reminded me that whenever
I am sick and scared and lonely, that all I have to do is call upon Him and He will
be there with me, be there holding my hand, lifting me when I can’t stand, carrying
me when I can’t walk, comforting me when I am scared, and giving me the strength
to carry on in spite of and in the face of whatever stands in my path.
The Word offers many passages of hope and strength and inspiration…
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all
your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns
you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that
your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” [Psalm 103:2-5]
“O Lord, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress.” [Jeremiah
16:19]
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” [Jeremiah 29:13]
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”
[Jeremiah 31:3]
“Ah Lord God! It is you who made the heavens and the earth by your great power and
by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” [Jeremiah 32:17]
“See, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is anything too hard for me?” [Jeremiah
32:27]
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” [Jeremiah 29:11]
“This is what the Lord says: ‘Your wound is incurable, your injury is beyond healing.
There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you.
All your allies have forgotten you; they care nothing for you. … But I will restore
you to health and heal your wounds…'” [Jeremiah 30:12-14, 17]
“Ask and you will be given what you ask for. Seek, and you will find. Knock and
the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Anyone who seeks, finds.
If only you will knock, the door will be open.” [Matthew 7:7-8]
“Your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” [Luke 8:48]
“If you abide in Me and My Word abides in you, ask what you will and it shall be
done unto you.” [John 15:7]
“…how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he
went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because
god was with HIM.” [Acts 10:38]
“But we…rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.” [Romans 3:5]
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIM, so that
you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” [Romans 15:13]
“God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power
to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you strength to
endure it, and so provide you with a way out.” [1 Corinthians 10:13]
“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise
him up. If he has sinned he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each
other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” [James 5:15-16]
Glory be to God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful, oft Forgiving.
God is Great!
God is Good!
God offer’s Comforting Warmth to those who
Call Upon Him and Seek Him in Faith.
God is a Loving God.
Trust in God,
Seek Wisdom and Guidance and Salvation by Following Jesus,
Pray and Worship the Lord with All Your Heart, All Your Mind, and
All Your Soul.
Have Faith in the Lord and Love God.
God Loves You.
God Cares for You.
God Cares about You.
God Wants to Help You.
All You Have to do is Call Upon His Name, Listen for His Gentle Whisper,
Have Faith in God, and Trust in the Lord God Almighty, the One True
God.
Glory be to God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful, oft Forgiving.
Amen.
Tedd
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