teddwebb

Multiple Sclerosis, Unknown Neurological Disorder, Epilepsy Seizure Disorder, Schizophrenia,
Narcolepsy Sleep Disorder, Multiple Severely Bulging Discs, Hot Flashes, Cold Flashes,
and Sudden Fits of Crying, Deep Sadness, Inability to Control One’s Emotions.

GOD, I HATE THE EMOTIONAL DAYS!

I woke up this morning, with my new CPAP, just delivered yesterday, and I feel like
I’ve had a tiny bit of rest, but still exhausted, mostly psychological because,
well, I have a new CPAP. Isn’t that what getting a new CPAP is supposed to do, make
you feel more rested? Psychosomatic response me thinks, sadly, not wanting to think,
but knowing, feeling the exhaustion in my muscles, the heavy, weighty drag of every
movement, like time has slowed. Even the thought of taking a shower and the energy
it takes to wash my hair is dreadful. Can’t I just go like a greasy-haired homeless
man? No! Sheri will not have any of that! So I lift repeatedly lift each leg, lumbering
into the shower, like the march of prisoners to death row to face the grueling task
that awaits, the painful, long, drawn-out, thorough, arduous washing of the mop,
also known as my hair.

I am drained, in a haze, a fog, not really aware that I have finished my shower
and not even remembering how I got from the shower into the living room, but the
ordeal is over. Now it is time to get out this mornings and this evenings set of
medication to take. My God, who on earth should have to take these many pills just
to not suffer so much? My previous evening pills have already begun to wear off,
so my head and neck are already itching as I reach for the Atarax, my shoulder already
is beginning to feel like it’s being drawn and quartered as I reach for the Neurontin.
I have a pang of fear of what might be and a flash of past memories of what has
been as I reach for my many anti-seizure meds and I say a little prayer, begging
God, “not today God, please Lord, don’t let me have any seizures today, at least
not any big ones.” This dance continues for what seems like an eternity, this dance
of wild swings to and fro from of my saviors, my pills that help some at least,
at least sometimes they help, to the painful reality of the years of suffering,
the tears, of what has been lost, of what more will be lost, and of what will never
be, and naturally I perfunctorily fill up two bottles with pills, a morning bottle
and an evening bottle.

I take my morning bottle of pills with me into the quiet, lonely, cold, dark living
room and wake the birdies, our two pet birds, Virge and Goober. I don’t care much
for food these days, not really. There are only a few things that I really care
to eat so I eat to stay alive and to keep Sheri off my back. Mostly I live on granola
bars, flavored water, and soda, mostly…mostly they come out at night, mostly. I
do have to eat something with substance when I take a mountain of pills though,
or else my system rejects that many chemicals and throws them up. This is one of
the very, very few times that my body is physically capable of actually throwing
up.

Back in my youth, my Army Partying Days, I could outdrink anyone. I would drink
a 1.75ltr of Vodka and THEN we’d go out partying for the night and I would NEVER
throw up. I’ve actually had alcohol poisoning 3 times in my life, the last one almost
killed me; the last one finally taught me the lesson I needed to learn. Apparently
being able to drink MASSIVE amounts of alcohol and NOT having the ability to throw
up is a VERY BAD combination which is not conducive for living! LOL!!! 🙂

So I eat a hotdog and I take my pills and then I stand in the living room and I
begin to weep uncontrollably. For no particular reason can I discern as to why I
should be so filled with such sorrow and yet, there I stand, shaking, tears flowing
freely down my chubby cheeks, the sadness of the world heaped upon my shoulders,
upon my heart, and I weep tears of sorrow, uncontrollable, heartfelt, mournful tears
of sorrow. I feel as though I am crying for all the pain and sorrow for all the
peoples for all the earth all at once and it is overwhelming, crushing, unbearable,
and I cry to God for help, for it to stop, but stop it does not. God does not intervene
for it is my turn to weep; it is Tedd’s time to shed a few tears for the sorrows
of mankind and feel the hefty weight and burden of the earth’s deepened sadness,
just my portion, and just for a few moments, and then it passes.

Again I am drained. Empty. A hollowed husk of a man that used to be Tedd but has been
emptied of all its contents and is now just an empty shell with a label on its forehead
called, “Tedd.” I collapse into my chair. Slowly, gradually, a gentle warmth rejuvenates
me, livens me, makes me whole again. Suddenly, perhaps not even before I am fully
lucid, a wave of cold chills wraps down my spine and spreads across my skin like
an amoeba moving through water. My temperature drops and I am flooded with waves
of depression and lethargy. So not only do my muscles feel like they weigh 10 times
their actual weight, with each movement an act of raw, brutal strength, but now
I have lost the will to move, the will to even breath. My chest feels heavy, breathing
is labored, and even the beating of my heart slows, as if hypothermia is setting
in, but I do not care. Whatever. Nothing matters. What’s the point in it all anyway?
I just wish I would die and all this pain and suffering would end.

Time crawls like a sloth slowly lumbering its way along a branch, gradual, in no
particular hurry, with no particular purpose really. Then the cold sweats strike
without warning. But were they really without warning? No, they weren’t really without
warning because we all know by now that when there’s a cold temperature drop, it’s
followed by cold sweats, then the horrific, panicked hot flash. Sticky, cold, like
the flesh of the dead is how my skin becomes as the cold sweats permeate my entire
body. I begin to shiver. I begin to shake. But I am not rocking and rolling, unfortunately.
The need to get out, to escape, to free myself from what I don’t know sets in. The
hot flash is coming soon.

I would like to say, without warning, or out of nowhere, but I know you, yes I know
you Mr. Hot Flash oh so well as to not be recognizable when I see you approaching!
No, you cannot sneak up on me! The hot flash starts slowly, then erupts rather quickly
into a full-blown, all-out, mother-of-all hot flashes. My skin is ice cold, I’m
covered in cold sweat, then my temperature suddenly goes through the roof and my
skin turns beet red, my mind races in confusion, I am overwhelmed with a sensation
of confinement. I feel confused, upset, frustrated, flustered, but most of all,
I have a massive need to get away, to get out, to run, to escape, but the need is
to escape from my own skin, my own body. That makes no sense, but in a monolithic
hot flash, isn’t that what everyone is supposed to do, escape from their own skin
because they are burning up? My mind races in confusion, my eyes glass over and
I can’t focus on any one thing for more than a few seconds and my emotions fluctuate
like the needle on an EKG machine, bouncing all over the place. For one second I
am angry, one second I am laughing hysterically, one second I am paranoid, one second
I am crying, one second I feel overwhelming love, one second I feel overwhelming
sadness, and for one second I feel nothing but emptiness as if there is no Tedd
left at all inside me. And I am scared. And I am upset. And I really am angry at
the situation as it does tire me out and leave me an emotional wreck. I have no
control. I am unable to stop it, unable to control it, unable to do anything but
be helpless and trapped in my own body.

God how I hate these emotional days! Thank God that not every day is an “Emotional
Day” and only every once in a while do I have these. Sometimes I think that my brain
stores up emotions in some kind of emotional battery or resistor and every so often
it just needs to discharge. I can tell you that Sheri sure does hate these days
too, especially the crabby days! LOL!!!

I am thankful to God for emotional days though. I am still capable of feeling all
the normal range of human emotions. I still empathize, love, laugh, cry, and mourn
and am not that empty shell at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. No, that’s
when my time will come and I will be ready to move on to the next life because there
will be nothing left in this life. All we really have is our emotions after all.
We should treasure them and hold them dear.

Dear Heavenly Father, Most Gracious, Most Merciful, Most Forgiving

I humble myself before you in worship of your Holiness and Greatness and Wonderment

I thank you for giving me the strength to bear the weight of my Emotional Days

I thank you for the Wondrous, Blessed Gift of Emotions that you have bestowed upon
your children

Without emotions, there would be no love, no sense of loss without sense of beloved
value, no friendships

I thank you Dear Lord, God of all Creation for love and laughter and joy, the feel
of the sun on your skin on a warm day

I thank you Almighty God for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us

I pray Dear God that you would lead and guide and show us the way, be with us daily
in our walk of life, always present in the forefront of our minds and hearts Dear
Lord

For it is in the Name of The One True God that I do pray and ask these things

Amen.

Single Post Navigation