Ugly Bags of Mostly Water
I hate being me….an ugly sack filled mostly with water…
I was just floating, peacefully in a black void, not thinking, not dreaming.
Then all of a sudden, there was this frightening, scary rip in the fabric, the fluid I was floating in and I heard my voice, your voice, our voices mixed together. It calmly said, "you need to get up and eat something…wake up and eat something…get up and eat something…" but I couldn’t understand those words at first, as if it was in a different language, a foreign language that I had never heard before because my brain wasn’t fully functional yet and I couldn’t process language so I didn’t fully understand what was being said at first but eventually I began to understand what was being repeated to me as the rip in the fabric got larger and I began to see an arm reaching towards me, trying to grab me and lift me up.
It was as if I was submerged in a thick, warm gooey fluid, but I could still breathe, but could barely hear and see and couldn’t understand the words coming out of the mouth of the person talking to me. As the arm and hand got closer to me, I tried to reach out to the arm because it was trying to lift me out of the fluid. It was my own arm and it was my own voice that I was hearing. It was very surreal, but I was hearing my own voice and seeing my own self, my own arm reaching down towards me from above as I lay there, as if I was two people, one person submerged in a vat of thick "sensory deprivation liquid" and one person standing above me trying to lift me up and help me out of the fluid.
I heard myself saying over and over to wake up and to get up and to eat something. But at first I didn’t understand what the voice was saying but I didn’t want to go with the voice because the fluid was so peaceful and calming and I wanted to stay, but the voice kept calling to me and the voice had a sense of urgency to it as if it was "very important" that I get up right then. So I struggled and strained with all my strength. It was so difficult and exhausting. I reached up and grabbed the arm and the arm grabbed my hand and helped pull me up and out of the gooey darkness and into the light.
When I came up and into the light, I came into consciousness. I was completely confused. I was not where I had expected to be. I was not where I had been in my last dream before I slipped into darkness. Where am I? I was afraid. I didn’t know who I was. What was my name? Who am I? What is this shell that I am trapped in? How come I can only move these two arms and these two legs? Why am I limited and confined within this shell? Where is soft shining light called Sheri?
And for the first few minutes after I "come back," I am in a half-n-half state of reality-hallucination. I hear/see things that are not here and I don’t hear/see things that are here. I look around the room and I see things that are not here and I talk to them. I can’t walk and I can’t see clearly. I can’t form coherent sentences. Parts of my body are here one minute and are simply ‘gone’ the next minute. It’s like I can feel my right arm and then all of a sudden, I can no longer feel my right arm or move my right arm, or it’s like I never even had a right arm, or like I was never born with a right arm, or like being born with a right arm would have been a freak of nature, so not having a right arm is normal. It’s a very, very odd sensation. And I can look down and I can’t see my right arm either!
Today, when I came to, I could see you sitting on your side of the couch and I could see me standing at the counter chugging water. And I kept chanting over and over again, "I need to get up…I need to eat something…I’m going to get up and eat something…I need to get up…I’m getting up…I’m going to eat something…" and I kept looking around the room, but the bird cages where floating in the air and I couldn’t find my feet and I was so frustrated and scared but my legs wouldn’t move and the bird cages kept flying through the air and one of me kept standing and chugging water and telling me to get up and drink some water and I kept looking over and you and at my other self, but I couldn’t find my feet anywhere and I couldn’t move my legs at all and my damn face was numb as a son of a bitch, but that’s just me whining and nothing to do with my feet wondering off on their own!
Eventually, my eyes stopped moving around so much and I could focus. When my eyes stopped twitching, you faded away and I realized that you weren’t there at all and I remembered that you went to work this morning. I also realized that I was me and that I was not over there drinking water. My legs started to tingle and hurt so bad, you have no fucking idea Babe. The tingling was like when your legs go to sleep and then wake up, only like 100 times more painful. Then my feet came back, with a vengeance – they were very, very angry at being detached for so long; they were very, very angry indeed! A slow, painful, yet Novocain-like scalp numbing sensation crept up all over my head and I got a wicked, vicious headache and my eyes calmed down and the bird cages stopped flying around the room and went back to their normal positions in the room. Everything was very blurry and I could hardly see. Thank God For Spell Checker!!!
It’s taken me almost 2 hours to write this email. I keep fading away and coming back to reality and continuing to write this email. I only slip off into the darkness for a few minutes and when I "come back," it’s only for a few minutes and I’m not so confused, but I cant see and it takes about 5 minutes before my vision returns to normal enough for me to be able to type again and resume typing out this email and continuing on with it. Thankfully, it’s only for a few minutes instead of an hour, so I don’t drift deeply into the void and "lose myself" so when I come back, I see this email in front of me and I remember what I was doing and I when my vision returns to normal, I read a little bit of this email and I remember what I was doing and then I can continue on with this email. And this time, I’m actually AM going to get up and go freaking eat something!!! And drink some damn water!!!
Star Trek had it right….Ugly Bags of Mostly Water…
>ð|~@-@~|ð<
teddwebb 